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Pardon my impertinence, but are your pins as perky as possible? Do you long to be lithe and lovely of lower limb? If so, I bring seasonal tidings of great joy, for the remedy is afoot. You must fly to Capri, where you will find not only azure seas, lush vegetation and Europe's smuggest taxi drivers, but the world's only school for legs. I pull yours not.
The headmaster of this establishment for educated extremities is local legend (or perhaps leg end) Professor Francesco Canonaco. I was reassured to learn from his website that he "has only one objective, the development of integrated holistic business excellence." As one does.
Over seven days, for the bargain price of €4450, he will have your legs mudded, stoned and drained to within an inch of their lives, reducing water retention and annihilating the curse humankind dreads above all others - orange peel skin. After a hard day's draining, lucky patrons skip hotfoot to their luxury accommodation, for example in the Paltrow Presidential Suite, just down the corridor I imagine from the DiCaprio Deluxe Double.
But hold those titters. The Capri Beauty Farm, for such is its revealing title, is a highly profitable enterprise, sharper than Kiera Knightley's cheekbones. And it is no great leap to suggest that its success with legs (and all regions north
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